My 20th Birthday

As everyone knows the 20th birthday of a girl or boy is not very important. I mean come on it's not a milestone in life. No but your 21st is more the milestone then ever.

Let me just say that today is my 20th birthday! I have no plans today for my birthday except that I have to work on my birthday which by all means sucks. I woke up this very morning to a phone call from my mom sing Happy Birthday to me! It was not that bad but after I hung up with my mom I felt as if I was going to have the crapyest birthday of my life. I feel today like I am coming down with a cold. I have had an upset stomach for the past couple days. I woke up with a headache.

By the way my day is not even half over I still have to go to work at 3 o'clock til 5 o'clock and yes I know I am only working for maybe 2 hours but I am not in the mood for the kids that I work with to get me pissed off today by maybe not listening to directions or just plain misbehaving.

I had the most interesting weekend.
Basically this is how it happened:

On Saturday
Ray gave me a bear because
on Friday night he had pissed me off
and the bear was his apology;
and there was more to that bear
that I eventually figured out.

Basically when I was in Florida I asked Ray to rate on a scale of
1 to 10 how much he liked me so he answered me 7 and I too gave
him a 7. Okay, so I come back he continues to hang out with Alycia and I
I begin to notice that his feelings for me are getting stronger and stronger.
So just before my birthday he gets me really upset the next day he gives me a bear
saying he is "sorry".
That very night I ask him what was the real reason he gave me the bear and he replies
"I felt like it".

But truthfully I actually had a deep gut feeling for why he really got it for me.

The next day Alycia and I go swimming in her pool and then I decide to call Ray after we have eaten and when he comes over the 3 of us hang together for a little and then Alycia goes outside on her deck and then Ray and I are alone in her breeze way and he tells me that "the real reason he bought me the bear is for something else" and I respond by saying "What", he says "you know what", I said "does this mean that the rating of 7 you gave me in Florida is now a 10", and he replies "something like that" and then "laughs" and then I ask him "or has your rating gone from 7 to off the charts" and he replies again "something like that" and "laughs". And then I begin laughing out loud. And then I of course told Alycia and that was that.

Besides for the crappy start of my birthday I plan on enjoying the rest of my birthday and having fun too.

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Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

CONFUSION

Confusion! My Life is based on confusion. Half of the time I don't know which way is up or down. Some days I want to tell someone I like them. The next day I don't and then once again I do like them and then it continues.





My Life can be so confusing sometimes that there is no way I can ever contemplate what to do, like I just need some time to myself to think clearly. Thinking clear is sometimes the only thing I can do to stop myself from stressing over the little things that life has coming for me.





Is life really worth stressing on the Little things. Although it always feels like I do. I never know what to do. Most of the time, I just keep questioning my thinking and in the end I never get very far. I am always wanting things to be over with, but the more I question myself the more I confuse myself.





"I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed."
Frost, Robert





"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."
Boone, Daniel





I will admit that both quotes here are meaningful to me because of their ability to express that there are other people in this world that deal with confusion in their lives.






Although my life is Confusing, and I know it is never ending
I know I am not alone, so why am I closing the doors on my happily never ending story.
My life would not be what it is today if it wasn't for the confusion.
I am not the type of person that is going to wither away like some unexpected story.
I will live long and not alone. I am alone aren't we all. My life will end and no one will
remember why. It will all come to an end. Soon there will be nothing left. Nothing but
the mere confusion of why and how it happened. My life is a never ending story, my
children and their children will talk about their wonderful confused mother and
grandmother for generations to come. My life will seem to have ended but never will.
At least my confused life wont. Only the rest will. As I grow older I will continue to tell my
story and will continue to talk about my life and what became of it. I will tell children of
many ages stories about Adventures , Mysteries, and of course Romance anything that my
life consists of.
Confusion is it just the mere thought of it that confuses people. Or is it the way people think about confusion that confuses them. Or does everything confuse people these days.
I know confusion can be very confusing in a way that ... people know it is confusing. Life is not all it is craked up to be or is it.
What is more confusing to you?

Up down or down up or

left right or right left

you tell me.

Somedays that is what my life is like:

Up down left right or down up right left

Most days I am just spinning and when I stop ...

Do you think the world stops long enough for me to think?

No Yes or Yes No

What is your answer

Mine you ask is:

No Yes
Welcome to my confused, out of control, messed up Life.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

Friday the 13th no Friday the 15th

People who look at me don't think about my feelings. They do their best on some person to discriminate her or make her feel bad about herself.

But here is the real truth about my life and the way I see my life through my eyes. I see HELL mentally and physically but I can tell you one thing. People who think I don't see HELL are stupid. They don't know me or what I go through day to day at home or work. They don't see me at my happy stage they don't see me when I am pissed off at someone or when I am depressed and feel like killing myself.

Bullies those are the people I am referring to. Bullies!

Hell is a place where evil and bad people go when they die. So why is it that when I go through a depression stage I feel like my world has come to an end and I have died and have gone straight down to HELL.

When I am depressed I have no where to go except run until I can not breath anymore until I have taken my final breath and died.

My life is a living HELL. In my life I fight a battle everyday or almost everyday.

The only two people that I have thought of thanking today would be my friend Ray and best friend Alycia.

When my life ends finally I hope I am in my 80s or 90s and not my 20s. Because my family and friends would not know what to do if that ever happened to me.

Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. I felt as if something was trying to take over my mind and trying to tell me to kill myself. I pleaded and pleaded trying to do as much as possible to get it away from me. I wanted it to leave me alone. It didn't and it is here still with me telling me to do it and get it over with. As I am mentally telling it to leave me alone. It wont.

I want my life back I want to be stronger like before. It is my life now leave me alone. I will not let you take control of me I will defeat you in the end you are in my mind but I know mentally what I can do to finally rid myself of you. My destiny is going to come true and you will not be there to destroy it.

As my best friend Alycia helps me destroy this 10 year old boy Billy. She writes to me: cleans me of the ill desire, purge me of my demon fire, you can not have this soul of mine, I will fight and never die, I will not take my life, your desire ends tonight, I'm ready for the final fight You hit me with hate, I slap you with love, I'm more than strong enough, Don't think you can win, I'll beat you time and again, Love will transcend the hatred with in, I can feel you're about to bend, Give into love, give into light, It's time to end this fight, Be free and at peace, And let it be ever lasting.

Billy the little boy was taking over me because he was not loved by his father like I am and after about 5 years after his father in the early 1900s killed his mother he was alone at home and went to the pond down the street from his house and killed himself that night while his father was at work. His relatives never visited because of Billy's father so after Billy's father killed his mother by beating her to death he was left alone for 5 years with no help and after his 10th birthday passed one night he was alone in his house when he had the idea of killing himself before his father got home from work. And for years Billy would fly through the sky looking for his first victim who was being loved by family and friends and that is what happened to me tonight of all nghts Friday the 15th of May.

The weight that was Billy had finally lifted just enough where he is still here in my mind. I plan on helping him get to a better place in life where he is finally with his mother and family and his father has gone straight to HELL.

The nightmare is over I am no longer being controlled as much as I was before by Billy. I have told Billy that if I was alive in the Early 1900s I would have loved him like he was my own son I would have put myself at risk for him and would let him and his mother go free and deal with the beating his father would have given me.

I love Billy and feel his pain!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My Childhood

Today I feel the need to tell people about how my life was when I was a child. I had a somewhat normal life when I was a child. I did good in school had honors but one thing during my life wasn't as exciting as good grades. I was bullied by many kids in my grade and in other grades above and below mine. I never knew why exactly they made fun of me, until one day my mom very gently explained why. She told me that the kids in the school were making fun of me because of my appearance when she told me that I felt so much better knowing exactly why I was getting made fun of. For years I never knew what to do about the bullying I would always end up crying day after day and never knew what to do. I did however tell the teachers like you were suppose to and they never did anything. OK so maybe they did, they talked to the kid and his or her parents but that was all they did. I always wished that my life could have been different that all of the bullying would stop. It never did. Sometimes the kids would stop but only for a little while, but I never did gave up hope on what my life could be like if I wasn't being bullied. After I graduated from high school my life changed dramatically, I saw a new opportunity; a new door open. I had my whole life ahead of me and I had planned on making sure that nothing was going to destroy it. I had my family and best friend Alycia and her parents behind me all the way. My life was great I had no stress I was finally free to live my life my way, I said to myself as I threw my cap in the air at the end of my graduation. Somewhere between the first year and second year after I graduated my life had gone upside down and I was stressed, depressed and confused all at once. With the wonderful help of my mom and best friend Alycia beside me I was able to turn it right side up again. And that is how I live my life day to day now. With my family and best friend beside me.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

Perfection

You always hear people say you aren't perfect. Well its true no one person is perfect we all have flaws in our own special way people who believe in perfection or think someone isn't perfect, are just rude and they are degrading others into thinking that they aren't perfect. Just like my dad. I feel when I am around him that I can't say or do anything right like I am not perfect. Well, you know what I would say to him there is no such thing as perfection people only say that to people just so other people feel less of a person it is rude and disrespectful. I hate the word perfect because no one is perfect we are all unique in are own very special ways and there is no reason for people to tell us differently. You are all probably wondering why I decided to write this its only because I am sick and tired of my dad sighing or getting all huffy and puffy because everything I do is wrong to him. Even just asking a simply question is enough to get him huffy and puffy so if you have anything to comment about please do so I could use the advice all together.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!