GOD IS...

Let me start off by saying one thing, in the past months since the last time I wrote a blog, many things have happened. As you might know now I no longer work at McDonald's; I currently hold my head high with the biggest smile on my face. The place I work at now, which I love very much is only seasonal, but it is a great place to work, better then McDonald's, I work at Lowe's, I love it there so much, although I do miss all, but some of my co-workers from McDonald's; some because just a couple co-workers came to Lowe's with me, but I still miss the co-workers from McDonald's. On another note I will say this that in those past months God was a big part of it. Seeing as how this might become a bit difficult to write I'm going to start right here with this month.

In this month I have many days, but one in particular was the best... Can you guess which one? That's right; MY BIRTHDAY, June 10th.

And on this day, I got between 37 and 40 birthday wishes on Facebook. Some of which I wasn't expecting anything from, but all in all I'm glad they did, because it made my birthday amazing. It brought 3 people into my life, One person apologized to me after so many years ago after she punched me in the face, I forgive her, One is an old friend who I was always having back and forth issues with, I told her when she wished me a happy birthday, that I just want to be BFF'S no more problems. And the last one well I didn't think for the longest time she even knew I was her friend on Facebook. She said she had noticed something on her timeline with my name and just started up a conversation. I'm so glad to have the many people in my life, that I do right now.

Although, that day was amazing I do still want to back track to when God came into my life, it must have been back quite a few months, I know for sure it was back when K-Love radio became 106.9 WCCC, but still on that day I remember telling Jason let's try it out, what could possibly happen, so we did and ever since that day I feel that God has helped me. I feel like God has directed my path. I believe God has saved me from a horrible path, and has redirected me down a path that has different turns; that has different possibilities for me to encounter.

God has always been there, but now he is there even more; then before. Every day I listen to K Love Radio, and every day different songs are played and every time, I find myself singing out loud to My God telling him, that I know he is there, that he is here. I know so many people need him, and the more I blast the words of God's children out my window the more he is finding his way to the other people that really need him.

Some of my favorite songs on K Love right now are...

MercyMe - Flawless
Newsboys - We Believe
Sanctus Real - Lead Me
Lincoln Brewster - There Is Power
Casting Crowns - Thrive
Phillips Craig & Dean -When The Stars Burn Down (Blessing and Horror)
Crowder - I Am
Matt Maher - Your Grace Is Enough
Francesca Battistelli - Holy Spirit
Michael W. Smith - Sky Spills Over
Danny Gokey - Hope In Front Of Me
Jeremy Camp - Here I Am To Worship
Sidewalk Prophets - Prodigal
Ryan Stevenson - Holding Nothing Back
For King & Country - Shoulders
Hawk Nelson - Drops In The Ocean
Third Day - Soul On Fire
Kristian Stanfill - Even So Come
Danny Gokey - More Than You Think I Am
NEEDTOBREATHE - Brother
Phil Wickham - Glory
Building 429 - Impossible
Newsboys - God's Not Dead

Sooner rather than later, I will write in my other blog Music with Meaning about all these wonderful songs. Most times I just feel as if every time one of these songs comes on the radio. I feel that in someway God is talking to me. Helping me and Guiding me in every which direction.

I know most times I talk about my problems in these blogs, but today of all times I want to spend my time talking about my Love for God and the fact it took me to go down a path I thought I would never go down, but I did and then I looked to the heavens and asked God what should I do?  He showed me to K Love and ever since then my life has been great. I really do see major changes in my life, I already have a better job. And it just keeps getting better and better. If not mistaken Jason and I are working on getting an apartment together still, some place where we can both commute to our jobs with ease.

Its been great because now all the negative in my life has been turning into positivity and so on, but all in all that's what happens when you let God be apart of your life.

Please anyone who is anyone; anyone who needs help Look to Him, he will Help.

My new favorite tattoo reminds me of that everyday:

Proverbs  3: 5 - 6
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart: and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.

Or simply Love thy Lord and Believe in Him and he will always help you.

Thank you all for reading, if you want to leave me any comments or questions. Please feel free to email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com

And once again thank you all for taking the time to read my blogs.

Me, Myself and I

How do I describe myself in one word without making it so damn hard on myself?

It's very true what I'm about to say here, that most people don't know how to describe themselves in only one word. I wish it didn't have to be just one word all the time, but if I had to choose just one word, I guess for now I'll just have to make you wait for that word, maybe just maybe I'll figure out that one word before I'm done typing this blog.

So, let's see I've already described Jason, Alycia and Ray to you, but as you all know and have gotten to know them all through my many blogs. Today, I'm not wanting to discuss them, I want to know what I really feel about myself. So, let's start from the very beginning.

The beginning, Let's see; I was born on June 10th 1989 at about 7:00am weighed in at 9lbs 8oz. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't start this that far back in time, however in school as you have read in my many blogs I was bullied, I didn't have many friends and even the ones I did have weren't even worth keeping as friends, most people like mostly my family would consider me to be caring and motherly. Always worrying what others were up to and if it was right or wrong of them to do it. Other times they considered me to be mischievous and unsatisfied.

Maybe, what I should do is take the time and start describing every one in my life right now with one word starting with My Mom.

My Mom: There really isn't much to say about my mom except that she is my mother and I love her with all my heart no matter how upset we are at each other, I will always love her, so I guess in a way that is where my motherliness stems from. Hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree now does it, but any how my mom one word to describe my mom, My mom is an Inspiration. She inspires me to do my best every single day to push through the touchiest moments in life, some of those moments might include relationship advice, who better to give advice then someone who is married and not only that, but the one who cares 250% all about you and your well being. So, To me my mom is an Inspiration. Secondly, we have My Dad.

My Dad: For me my dad is just like my mom I always looked up to him, was inspired by him for some things in my life, but to me there is way more to my dad then him just being my dad, my father. My dad of all the people in my life is the one person that I would hate to lose, My dad fought bladder cancer. He had his moments, but the family was always right there beside him. To me my dad is a HERO, He's my HERO. My dad a Hero. He always knew what to say and how to say things, if he didn't like something you knew first hand why! Hey, Guess, I know where truth telling came from. My dad the only one that shares a birth month with me. My dad you every one says I don't look like. My dad who I live everyday for. My dad who in good spirits helped me STOP SMOKING. Yes, I did smoke from time to time, but only when I so desperately needed to. My dad is and always will be MY HERO!! Thirdly, we have my sister.

My Sister: Let's see my sister who is 6 years older then me, and can sometimes consider me a real pain in the neck especially when we were younger. My sister who I bugged every time she had friends over, My sister who always told me to leave her alone when she didn't want me in her business, I guess you could say that as a little sister to my big sister we didn't always get along, but when we did, I always remember her helping me with homework or doing my hair when mom was to busy or simply sharing a laugh or two when dad was yelling. Sis, I guess all I can say is I'm glad to have you as a sister, because without you I probably wouldn't have gotten through high school without you looking out for me. My sister to me is thoughtful. Thoughtful because no matter what is going on in her hectic life or vice versa my life she always finds way to make room for me in her life, even if it means just having small talk with her on Facebook. We always have time for sister to sister communication. Fourthly, we have my brother-in-law.

My brother-in-law: Let's see he is the father of my niece and nephew. He is my sister's husband. He is an ex-marine. He is a great father and husband, we had some scares with him before he became an ex-marine, just before my niece was born, but everything turned out for the best. He is a coach of his daughter's softball team and his son's baseball team. He is devoted. Devoted because he puts his kids and wife ahead of himself, devoted because he dedicated his life to service in The Marine's. Devoted because he is loyal, and committed to what he does in life. My brother-in-law is a devoted father, husband, friend, and member of my family. He does what he can for everyone because of his devotion. Fifthly, we have Jason.

Jason: The love of my life. The sometimes difficult, but also funny person I love to be around. Jason it is so hard to be around you most times, but I still always look at you every day and every night and say that I'm in love. Please, know that what I say here I am sorry for what I say I do mean every word, but all in all I still love you dearly. So, as I was saying I love you and want you to know that the one word that I choose to describe you as is Goofy. No matter what is going on you always know exactly what to do to make me laugh, even if I'm always giving you a hard time about it. I know it doesn't seem like I don't want to laugh all the time and I know I really make you mad when I yell at you to STOP, but most times I really do need a laugh. I really truly love the fact that you try so hard to make me laugh even when you know I don't want to laugh. Thank you; Thank you so very much for always making me laugh. Sixthly, we have Jason's mother.

Jason's mother: Although, she will become my mother-in-law. And as the stereotype goes we are supposed to dislike our future in-laws well that may be true to most people, but to me not so much. Jason's mom let me live with them. I truly love her for everything she has done for Jason and I. She might sometimes has a funny way of showing her admiration for us, but we love her very much. And that's why the one word I choose for her is admirable. Admirable because she is always honest about the things that she has to say. She has lots of other admirable qualities that make her the person she is. The mother she is, she is admirable because she is honest, respectable and worthy of being the most admirable. She is respected by her husband, her children, her children's spouses, her two grandchildren, and her coworkers. It's family that matters to her, as well as friends and coworkers too. To this women I am grateful she is admirable. Seventhly, we have Jason's father.

Jason's father: Although, he will become my father-in-law. And as above with his mother I'm supposed to hate my in-laws, I'm actually one person that can say she doesn't hate her in-laws. My father-in-law is amazing he does everything, he has helped us most of all with basic problems Jason and I have gone through. My father-in-law although he has all things on his shoulders more then twice in a day. He still brings out the best in everything, in every situation whether bad or good he tries his damn near hardest to make it the best. He is one in a million father's that will do absolutely everything. Just like my father. he is the greatest. Unfortunately, he is not my HERO! Maybe to Jason and Jason's sister he is, but to me; Jason's father is generous. Generous because he does everything he can out there to help without looking or asking for help, either. Or without being told to do these many things he does. He does these things with generosity. Out of kindness in his heart he is generous to all he knows, because he does so many deeds of generosity. Generosity does not come far fetched with him. He does and will do everything possible and for as long as he can be generous to those who might or might not be as generous to him as he is to them. He is generous, because he does things out of the kindness of his heart to help people. Eighthly, we have Jason's sister.

Jason's Sister: She is one sister that proved a point to her family that in the most uncertain circumstances, you can prevail through anything. his sister who apparently couldn't even take care of a pair of socks LMAO, is one of the best mother's I've seen around. She has a beautiful daughter and a handsome son. Both, are so smart it blows me away every time. For now, I really want you to know how I see his sister. Jason's Sister Kristin, is amazing she goes through a lot and makes it all worth her while. Kristin is carefree. Carefree because no matter what she does, no matter what responsibility she has on her shoulder's she has a carefree attitude. That states she has everything under control. Carefree, sure she lives a life with responsibility, but no matter the stress she is under she is always calm and mellow and of course, carefree. Never have I seen her incredibly stressed or overwhelmed she has two kids, a wonderful husband, amazing parents and a caring brother and sister-in-law who will drop everything to always lend a helping hand when worse comes to worse. She always has it all figured out. She has no worries. I mean I'm pretty sure she has all the worries in the world and more, but she never shows a single one. Ninthly, we have Jason's brother-in-law.

Jason's brother-in-law: To most of Jason's family, his brother-in-law who he now calls his brother, is Mister Handyman, but that's not the one word I'm choosing to call him. After all he does tend to lend a helping hand in any situation where it requires manual labor. He is tough. He is tough because, after all he does chop trees for a living. And he fixes cars, and during spring and fall if I'm not mistaken he and his kids all ride dirt bikes. He fixes them, he even built his son one. It may not be the type of sport that we all are used to, but after all these kids and their father love it. And if they consider it a sport then it must be a sport. The sport in name is called Moto-cross. It's kids and adults on bikes with motors and powered by gas. Going super fast on a dirt track jumping over hills. And racing to the finish before the others I want to say like 10 riders get there before you do. Other tracks are made of strictly jumps, because they are used strictly for tricks, but going back to his brother, recently about a few months back he had quite the accident he was fixing his car when he caught on fire, he had to be airlifted to Bridgeport Hospital. Where he was treated in their burn unit. The best burn unit in the state as I'm told. Their he had a skin graph done and now he looks and feels like a million bucks. As the story goes, these type of things are always happening on his birthday or close to it. The year before that he had accident at work and was out for several months due to back surgery. Still, he always finds a way to push through that for his wife and kids and proves still what it takes to be a real husband and father. Tenthly, we have Jason's niece.

Jason's niece: She is 12. Even though, she acts like a teenager already, she has that sort of pre-teen spunk that is after all the best part of who she is. She is knowledgeable. Knowledgeable because she is always learning, most times it actually seems like she has more knowledge then I do, it's scary, but the good kind of scary that present the logical explanation; How smart will she get? I mean seriously, she is smart like way smart. There are seriously a lot of things that she knows about things. That even I don't know. She is one smart kid. Watch out people. She might surprise us all one day. Eleventh, we have my niece.

My niece: She is 10. She is just like her mother, if not exactly like her mother. My niece is creative. Creative because she has the artistic style and focus of a young Michael Angelo or some other big name artist. She does nothing, but use her imagination. She uses every bit of her creative ability. By drawing, coloring, scrap booking. Hope that one day she will be as talented as me. And be able to write thoroughly what is on her mind, like I can without a string of worry that someone will find anything she has to say offensive. The best quality I hope she continues to have is the ability to create, to be creative. That is after all her best quality. Twelfth, we have Jason's nephew.

Jason's nephew: Named after his father. He is 7. He is 4 years younger then his sister. He is clever. Clever because he finds the best way to be quick with words. For a 7 year old he is bright, and quick to speak his mind. He is quite the clever boy. He has clever ideas that he applies to conversation very quickly with adults and his sister. He is clever and that is one of his favorable qualities. Thirteenth, we have my nephew.

My nephew: He is 6. 4 years younger then his sister. He is bold. Bold because he persists to show his family that he is daring and spirited. He is bold because of his uncontrollable desire to show his family that he is strong, that he is adventurous. He plays little league baseball. Is compassionate about the sport and he is strong hearted with everything that has to do with baseball. He is bold. That makes him who he is.

Although, you must be thinking this can't be all her family, well it isn't. Here is the rest of me family which consist of 5 Uncles, 4 Aunts, Now like 8 or 9 cousins if not mistaken, may have over counted, but it's relatively close.

Now that I have finally pushed myself through my family, it's time to talk about friends. I've made many friends all who have left me without a single word. I now have the time to name some people who have stayed around long enough to actually get to know me. And you know what's funny I haven't known any of these people all that long. Let's start with the one person who hired me for my most current job McDonald's.

Katie: Katie is eccentric. Eccentric because she is weird, strange, bizarre, but that is what allows her and I to get along so very well. Don't forget I've been known to be a little eccentric myself, but I'm not describing me. I'm describing Katie. Katie, I do miss you at McDonald's. Even though, we both are Gemini's and as it is state we do not get along at all. It's funny now that I say most of all that you and I clicked more then anything. We definitely had our moments during work as being 2 Gemini's, but nevertheless we made it all work out for the best. And now, more then ever I wish you were still at our store, but you'll grow there and so will all of us here. It's just that no one will ever be able to come close to the eccentric and bizarre relationship you and I both had. I will miss you always. Hopefully, one day we can all workout together. I have a membership now. See you later Katie.

Nick: Nick is Charming. Charming because no matter your mood at work, when he comes in and you see him with a big smile he makes your whole day. It's not just that alone that makes him charming, even if things a rotten in his life or his day. he comes in with a smile you see him and everything changes, I love my Nick, he is a great person to work with. He is always smiling always laughing. I don't know what I would personally do without him. He is my rock at work. If you work grill with him, the whole time while getting work done you are laughing, you are smiling, your cheeks hurt so much because you are laughing and smiling so much. Nick, I love you. Don't you dare ever leave, my whole life at work revolves around you making sure that as long as we get what needs to get done, we can laugh and have a good time. My Nick. My charming friend.

Kayla: Kayla is bubbly. Bubbly because that's her personality. She is out there like Katie, but Kayla is cute. She has this harsh, but innocent bubbly personality that everyone just loves. That is why I love her. She is Bubbly she makes everything at work a bubbly fun time. At night when us 3 work it is just that it is fun. We get our work done, but we laugh, we cry, we talk and laugh some more. Kayla my girl you are the best, you of all people can't leave, either. Want to know why I love you and your cute. With your bubbly personality and you always blushing every time I tell you, that your cute. That's it though you are just that bubbly friend that makes everything fun.

Judy: Judy is funny. Funny because when the 4 of us work together, she contributes to everything just as much as we do. She laughs, she cries, she talks, and laughs some more, but the reason Judy is funny is because she out of the 4 of us, starts something she says something that gets us laughs, then Nick and Kayla and Me, of course. Then, it's a ball. Judy of all people know how to have fun. When Judy is around it's never stressful, it's just plain fun. Work at night is never boring. There is never a dull moment around when Judy is around. From falling on the floor at work, to telling stories of being drunk and dancing, and something about when they turned the lights off and back on again, Judy is on the floor. Every time, the story it gets funnier. It's just a load of fun at work with Judy around.

Now, some of my other co-workers I don't always work with or know that well to write about them like I did above, but most of the people I work with during the day aren't like all of us at night, we have different bonds that are interesting or weird or just plain fun, but all in all I love all the people I work with, there is Angie, Meghan, Jordon, Kiera, Vanessa, Poalo, Kazim, Martha, Aida, etc. And for other managers there is, Marcia, Awilda, Trupti, Sultana, Aruna, Edna, etc.

Well, here goes, I told you at the beginning of this blog that I would know the one word that best descirbes me, well truth is, Here it is the one word that best describes me is...

Erica: I am an Inspiration, Hero, Thoughtful, Goofy, Admirable, Generous, Carefree, Touch, Knowledgeable, Creative, Clever, Bold, Eccentric, Charming, Bubbly, and Funny person. For what it is worth even though I did not choose one word that describes me, but if you read closely enough you will see I actually did. Each word that I described about every one here is also a word that describes me in my own way, that is by all means why I am friends or related to these people, because of the person that is me, I attract the person in them. For insists, my mom she is in inspiration, well she has inspired me to be the person I am today, another example, Goofy. Jason is Goofy that is his personality, well for some many years ago and still today; that has always been my personality, I attracted the goofy in him. When it comes to Jason's brother, he has seen and been through a lot that is what makes him tough, but if you can recall from my many blogs I have too well, may be not like him, but it is defiantly in my own way, I am tough. Like I said, I am every one of these words, that is why I did this, to show you that even though it is easy to describe others with one word, it's not as easy to do the same about yourself, Thank you all for reading.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment, Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

If I Only Knew!

It's been a long time since I last wrote anything.

And there's been so much good and bad things happening to me. Things that if I knew where to start my writing today I would write a novel, but sadly this will be one of my harder ones to write as the pure inspiration that I am getting all this from is my heart. And it is so hard to believe that my sad, lonely and very much empty heart is the reason why I'm writing such a wonderful message.

It's so hard to speak of these things going on in my life. It's even harder to think of them. I rattle my brain every time trying to think if there was something I could have done more to help or If I Only Knew a head of time what I did. That way, I could have fixed the problem and we all could have moved on sooner with our lives. I've done so many wrong and hurtful things in life that even I wouldn't know where to begin, let alone forgive myself for them.

I'm always thinking of this stuff going wrong in my life. And yet, everyday I follow the same routine. Doing the same old things day after day. And also, I still think to myself is there something more I could be doing with my life. I spend at least two to three hours on the computer. On days like today where I find inspiration to write I spend a lot more and still I find myself wondering should I go back to school again for a third time and do something with writing. Seriously, thinking though I absolutely sucked in my journalist class back in high school so what would I do. I love to write I especially love to write from my heart, but sadly only on the days when I find inspiration to write. So, what do you see in my future, what do you see me doing for a living. Not much! Is what I see, but like every one says I'm being way to harsh on myself.

In my life right now I have. I have hardly a job. The reason I say hardly is because I don't work often, but yes I do have a job. I work at Wesleyan University in the Freeman Athletic Center doing laundry for the sports teams at the University. And on some weekends you can find me working across from the Hockey Rink working in what most of you call at sporting events the Concession Stand or Food Stand. It may not be my dream job, but after all it is a job and it works for now. Like I said, I hardly work, but lately with me having trouble finding work in other areas like anything to do with being a Veterinary Assistant, where there has been absolutely no luck for me getting a job. I have found myself working more hours and I love that my boss is trying to help me get hours until I find my job in the world. So, boss man thanks for your help and thanks for the hours. It's been great.

To continue with what I have in my life right now. I'd like to state that I have no true friends. True friends are the types of friends that are always there for you, that will never leave. Well, I thought I still had just one true friend, but then she left my life and now I have no true friends. She left my life because of something I said, that I wish upon every hope that I could take back. It was so bad that even her parents found out and even they never want to see or hear me again. I'm sincerely sorry to that friend and if it could happen all over again I would seriously do everything differently. I wouldn't do or say the things I have said in the past. I would change everything, but I have said this all before the past is the past, and no matter how much you wish you could go back and change it, you can't so sorry. The past is the past and I wish that we all move on from it.

Again to continue with what I have in my life right now. I'd also like to state that I don't live with my parents, but my fiance Jason and I live with his. Even though, we do live with his parents we still pay for our things like any normal couple on their own does. It's just we don't have the amount of money needed to live on our own. So, we pay a little a week to live with his parents until we can afford our own place. It's not hard, living with them. Yes, at times there will be tension between us all in the house especially when they don't think I'm looking for work and we (Jason and I) tell them I am, but no matter how many times I apply (we tell them) to places I get turned down.

So, I'm writing here and been writing for a while surprisingly and I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing with my life. Not, the stuff where I'm living in my future in-laws house, but the stuff about my future. I'm not joking with you here. You don't know how many times I walk down the streets or in stores and see babies every where and wonder if that will ever be Jason and myself. I'm always wondering What if?

What if I still had my old or first job?
What if Jason and I never started dating?

If I still had my old job Jason and I probably would have moved out a long time ago and would be most likely living in our own apartment. We may not have children yet, but who knows it would probably be happening next year which it's not. I know I continuously say this to you Jason, but if we were financially able to I would want kids. In my life and the way we live we aren't ready to be parents due to money, but in my heart I know that when the time comes it will come and it WILL BE THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF OUR LIVES. TRUST ME on that. Love you baby.

Before I go on to the next thing on my list of things to talk about let me shoot back a little. And that I'm always thinking, always wondering what will be next for me? I try so hard in life to not look back at my mistakes and to keep moving on, but when everything else in life goes South and there's no where else to look where do you go, where do you look to next.

Since, I have no friends anymore. I have really begun to look at my life more and appreciate everything I have now. I have a wonderful family, loving fiance and future family (my in-laws) who all support me at what I do, even though sometimes they think I don't do much. Sometimes, I think now that I have no friends, that now I'm better off this way. Seriously, thinking even though I don't like to think of things this way. There is no one holding me back from letting me live my life.

If Jason and I never started dating we probably would still hate each other. We wouldn't be planning on getting married or planning to have kids in the future. And finally, I would still be miserable with everything else going on in my life. So, in true respect as some of my family would say that he was the worst thing to happen to me, well I reverse that and say that he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It's not his fault my friendships didn't work out. Even though, most of my friends say that he is the main reason, because him and I spend so much time together that I have no time for my friends. Let me straighten everything out for you who are reading my blogs. At the time when Jason and I started dating I was working part - time from like 3 - 6 pm at the elementary school in my town for an after school program when I left for home, I had dinner with my parents; then was given the ability to go out for a couple hours, so I didn't disturb my parents in bed. I had at the time; little time to spend with everyone and even though my friends kept asking for more time to spend with me. I said, "I was busy."And spent the needed time with Jason. Yes, I know I could have given us a little break from time to time and hung out with my friends, but it was a new relationship, and a new guy. And to be perfectly honest with all who read this I had never been treated so nicely like that before. And it was definitely something I didn't want to lose.

It was only two days after Jason and I started dating that my friends kept begging me to hanging out, but with the new relationship just starting I blew her off. I needed and wanted to spend more and more time with Jason, still to this very day Jason doesn't regret hanging with me all that time. And I know that even though my friend and I already had plenty of issues and I didn't help the matter, but she was already at the point where she didn't want us to be friends anyways. Seriously, though I wish I had really known what I was doing before spending so much time with Jason. I'm sincerely sorry to my friend that I have hurt, and I wish I could take it all back and get a second chance, but like I said before most of the times there are no second chances.

There were certain things that had happened before Jason and I started dating that I really would appreciate her hearing what she had said to me.

A month before Jason and I started dating I went on vacation with my family to Florida, while in Florida I was asked to baby sit my niece and nephew while everyone went out for the night. Well, just like any babysitter, when the kids are asleep I called my friends to see how things were going with them. During the conversation with one of my friends, she says to me, "You know should have given me your friend Ray's number before you left." In my defense, I only have this to say, " the trip for me was last minute, very last minute." Then, a month later when Jason and I started you know what said to me, "Well, if your gonna spend all your time with Jason, then I'm gonna spend all my time with Ray." And here I am thinking, "okay, go right ahead." "Like I cared that she was going to spend time with a friend. Really, I'm going to spend time with Jason my new boyfriend, so I don't care what you do with your time."  

Even though, I may have mistreated my friendships from time to time that still doesn't change anything.

I love the life I live now and don't care what my ex-friend does with her life. All I hope is that she has good luck in what every she plans to do. And really, I also don't need any of my other friends who hang out with her telling me what they have been doing, because I'll walk away from them. I don't care what she does; people. She is no longer my friend and I really don't need to know what goes on in her life. All that I wish is that she has good luck in the future with her life. And I know that she wishes the same for me. We two separate people, have split and don't plan on knowing what each other does in their life. So, Good luck and Best Wishes in the future! Sorry, things didn't work out for the best for us, but in a way they did.

So, to end this message I wish, If I Only Knew!
 
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My 20th Birthday

As everyone knows the 20th birthday of a girl or boy is not very important. I mean come on it's not a milestone in life. No but your 21st is more the milestone then ever.

Let me just say that today is my 20th birthday! I have no plans today for my birthday except that I have to work on my birthday which by all means sucks. I woke up this very morning to a phone call from my mom sing Happy Birthday to me! It was not that bad but after I hung up with my mom I felt as if I was going to have the crapyest birthday of my life. I feel today like I am coming down with a cold. I have had an upset stomach for the past couple days. I woke up with a headache.

By the way my day is not even half over I still have to go to work at 3 o'clock til 5 o'clock and yes I know I am only working for maybe 2 hours but I am not in the mood for the kids that I work with to get me pissed off today by maybe not listening to directions or just plain misbehaving.

I had the most interesting weekend.
Basically this is how it happened:

On Saturday
Ray gave me a bear because
on Friday night he had pissed me off
and the bear was his apology;
and there was more to that bear
that I eventually figured out.

Basically when I was in Florida I asked Ray to rate on a scale of
1 to 10 how much he liked me so he answered me 7 and I too gave
him a 7. Okay, so I come back he continues to hang out with Alycia and I
I begin to notice that his feelings for me are getting stronger and stronger.
So just before my birthday he gets me really upset the next day he gives me a bear
saying he is "sorry".
That very night I ask him what was the real reason he gave me the bear and he replies
"I felt like it".

But truthfully I actually had a deep gut feeling for why he really got it for me.

The next day Alycia and I go swimming in her pool and then I decide to call Ray after we have eaten and when he comes over the 3 of us hang together for a little and then Alycia goes outside on her deck and then Ray and I are alone in her breeze way and he tells me that "the real reason he bought me the bear is for something else" and I respond by saying "What", he says "you know what", I said "does this mean that the rating of 7 you gave me in Florida is now a 10", and he replies "something like that" and then "laughs" and then I ask him "or has your rating gone from 7 to off the charts" and he replies again "something like that" and "laughs". And then I begin laughing out loud. And then I of course told Alycia and that was that.

Besides for the crappy start of my birthday I plan on enjoying the rest of my birthday and having fun too.

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CONFUSION

Confusion! My Life is based on confusion. Half of the time I don't know which way is up or down. Some days I want to tell someone I like them. The next day I don't and then once again I do like them and then it continues.





My Life can be so confusing sometimes that there is no way I can ever contemplate what to do, like I just need some time to myself to think clearly. Thinking clear is sometimes the only thing I can do to stop myself from stressing over the little things that life has coming for me.





Is life really worth stressing on the Little things. Although it always feels like I do. I never know what to do. Most of the time, I just keep questioning my thinking and in the end I never get very far. I am always wanting things to be over with, but the more I question myself the more I confuse myself.





"I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed."
Frost, Robert





"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."
Boone, Daniel





I will admit that both quotes here are meaningful to me because of their ability to express that there are other people in this world that deal with confusion in their lives.






Although my life is Confusing, and I know it is never ending
I know I am not alone, so why am I closing the doors on my happily never ending story.
My life would not be what it is today if it wasn't for the confusion.
I am not the type of person that is going to wither away like some unexpected story.
I will live long and not alone. I am alone aren't we all. My life will end and no one will
remember why. It will all come to an end. Soon there will be nothing left. Nothing but
the mere confusion of why and how it happened. My life is a never ending story, my
children and their children will talk about their wonderful confused mother and
grandmother for generations to come. My life will seem to have ended but never will.
At least my confused life wont. Only the rest will. As I grow older I will continue to tell my
story and will continue to talk about my life and what became of it. I will tell children of
many ages stories about Adventures , Mysteries, and of course Romance anything that my
life consists of.
Confusion is it just the mere thought of it that confuses people. Or is it the way people think about confusion that confuses them. Or does everything confuse people these days.
I know confusion can be very confusing in a way that ... people know it is confusing. Life is not all it is craked up to be or is it.
What is more confusing to you?

Up down or down up or

left right or right left

you tell me.

Somedays that is what my life is like:

Up down left right or down up right left

Most days I am just spinning and when I stop ...

Do you think the world stops long enough for me to think?

No Yes or Yes No

What is your answer

Mine you ask is:

No Yes
Welcome to my confused, out of control, messed up Life.

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Friday the 13th no Friday the 15th

People who look at me don't think about my feelings. They do their best on some person to discriminate her or make her feel bad about herself.

But here is the real truth about my life and the way I see my life through my eyes. I see HELL mentally and physically but I can tell you one thing. People who think I don't see HELL are stupid. They don't know me or what I go through day to day at home or work. They don't see me at my happy stage they don't see me when I am pissed off at someone or when I am depressed and feel like killing myself.

Bullies those are the people I am referring to. Bullies!

Hell is a place where evil and bad people go when they die. So why is it that when I go through a depression stage I feel like my world has come to an end and I have died and have gone straight down to HELL.

When I am depressed I have no where to go except run until I can not breath anymore until I have taken my final breath and died.

My life is a living HELL. In my life I fight a battle everyday or almost everyday.

The only two people that I have thought of thanking today would be my friend Ray and best friend Alycia.

When my life ends finally I hope I am in my 80s or 90s and not my 20s. Because my family and friends would not know what to do if that ever happened to me.

Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. I felt as if something was trying to take over my mind and trying to tell me to kill myself. I pleaded and pleaded trying to do as much as possible to get it away from me. I wanted it to leave me alone. It didn't and it is here still with me telling me to do it and get it over with. As I am mentally telling it to leave me alone. It wont.

I want my life back I want to be stronger like before. It is my life now leave me alone. I will not let you take control of me I will defeat you in the end you are in my mind but I know mentally what I can do to finally rid myself of you. My destiny is going to come true and you will not be there to destroy it.

As my best friend Alycia helps me destroy this 10 year old boy Billy. She writes to me: cleans me of the ill desire, purge me of my demon fire, you can not have this soul of mine, I will fight and never die, I will not take my life, your desire ends tonight, I'm ready for the final fight You hit me with hate, I slap you with love, I'm more than strong enough, Don't think you can win, I'll beat you time and again, Love will transcend the hatred with in, I can feel you're about to bend, Give into love, give into light, It's time to end this fight, Be free and at peace, And let it be ever lasting.

Billy the little boy was taking over me because he was not loved by his father like I am and after about 5 years after his father in the early 1900s killed his mother he was alone at home and went to the pond down the street from his house and killed himself that night while his father was at work. His relatives never visited because of Billy's father so after Billy's father killed his mother by beating her to death he was left alone for 5 years with no help and after his 10th birthday passed one night he was alone in his house when he had the idea of killing himself before his father got home from work. And for years Billy would fly through the sky looking for his first victim who was being loved by family and friends and that is what happened to me tonight of all nghts Friday the 15th of May.

The weight that was Billy had finally lifted just enough where he is still here in my mind. I plan on helping him get to a better place in life where he is finally with his mother and family and his father has gone straight to HELL.

The nightmare is over I am no longer being controlled as much as I was before by Billy. I have told Billy that if I was alive in the Early 1900s I would have loved him like he was my own son I would have put myself at risk for him and would let him and his mother go free and deal with the beating his father would have given me.

I love Billy and feel his pain!

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My Childhood

Today I feel the need to tell people about how my life was when I was a child. I had a somewhat normal life when I was a child. I did good in school had honors but one thing during my life wasn't as exciting as good grades. I was bullied by many kids in my grade and in other grades above and below mine. I never knew why exactly they made fun of me, until one day my mom very gently explained why. She told me that the kids in the school were making fun of me because of my appearance when she told me that I felt so much better knowing exactly why I was getting made fun of. For years I never knew what to do about the bullying I would always end up crying day after day and never knew what to do. I did however tell the teachers like you were suppose to and they never did anything. OK so maybe they did, they talked to the kid and his or her parents but that was all they did. I always wished that my life could have been different that all of the bullying would stop. It never did. Sometimes the kids would stop but only for a little while, but I never did gave up hope on what my life could be like if I wasn't being bullied. After I graduated from high school my life changed dramatically, I saw a new opportunity; a new door open. I had my whole life ahead of me and I had planned on making sure that nothing was going to destroy it. I had my family and best friend Alycia and her parents behind me all the way. My life was great I had no stress I was finally free to live my life my way, I said to myself as I threw my cap in the air at the end of my graduation. Somewhere between the first year and second year after I graduated my life had gone upside down and I was stressed, depressed and confused all at once. With the wonderful help of my mom and best friend Alycia beside me I was able to turn it right side up again. And that is how I live my life day to day now. With my family and best friend beside me.

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Perfection

You always hear people say you aren't perfect. Well its true no one person is perfect we all have flaws in our own special way people who believe in perfection or think someone isn't perfect, are just rude and they are degrading others into thinking that they aren't perfect. Just like my dad. I feel when I am around him that I can't say or do anything right like I am not perfect. Well, you know what I would say to him there is no such thing as perfection people only say that to people just so other people feel less of a person it is rude and disrespectful. I hate the word perfect because no one is perfect we are all unique in are own very special ways and there is no reason for people to tell us differently. You are all probably wondering why I decided to write this its only because I am sick and tired of my dad sighing or getting all huffy and puffy because everything I do is wrong to him. Even just asking a simply question is enough to get him huffy and puffy so if you have anything to comment about please do so I could use the advice all together.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

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