If I Only Knew!

It's been a long time since I last wrote anything.

And there's been so much good and bad things happening to me. Things that if I knew where to start my writing today I would write a novel, but sadly this will be one of my harder ones to write as the pure inspiration that I am getting all this from is my heart. And it is so hard to believe that my sad, lonely and very much empty heart is the reason why I'm writing such a wonderful message.

It's so hard to speak of these things going on in my life. It's even harder to think of them. I rattle my brain every time trying to think if there was something I could have done more to help or If I Only Knew a head of time what I did. That way, I could have fixed the problem and we all could have moved on sooner with our lives. I've done so many wrong and hurtful things in life that even I wouldn't know where to begin, let alone forgive myself for them.

I'm always thinking of this stuff going wrong in my life. And yet, everyday I follow the same routine. Doing the same old things day after day. And also, I still think to myself is there something more I could be doing with my life. I spend at least two to three hours on the computer. On days like today where I find inspiration to write I spend a lot more and still I find myself wondering should I go back to school again for a third time and do something with writing. Seriously, thinking though I absolutely sucked in my journalist class back in high school so what would I do. I love to write I especially love to write from my heart, but sadly only on the days when I find inspiration to write. So, what do you see in my future, what do you see me doing for a living. Not much! Is what I see, but like every one says I'm being way to harsh on myself.

In my life right now I have. I have hardly a job. The reason I say hardly is because I don't work often, but yes I do have a job. I work at Wesleyan University in the Freeman Athletic Center doing laundry for the sports teams at the University. And on some weekends you can find me working across from the Hockey Rink working in what most of you call at sporting events the Concession Stand or Food Stand. It may not be my dream job, but after all it is a job and it works for now. Like I said, I hardly work, but lately with me having trouble finding work in other areas like anything to do with being a Veterinary Assistant, where there has been absolutely no luck for me getting a job. I have found myself working more hours and I love that my boss is trying to help me get hours until I find my job in the world. So, boss man thanks for your help and thanks for the hours. It's been great.

To continue with what I have in my life right now. I'd like to state that I have no true friends. True friends are the types of friends that are always there for you, that will never leave. Well, I thought I still had just one true friend, but then she left my life and now I have no true friends. She left my life because of something I said, that I wish upon every hope that I could take back. It was so bad that even her parents found out and even they never want to see or hear me again. I'm sincerely sorry to that friend and if it could happen all over again I would seriously do everything differently. I wouldn't do or say the things I have said in the past. I would change everything, but I have said this all before the past is the past, and no matter how much you wish you could go back and change it, you can't so sorry. The past is the past and I wish that we all move on from it.

Again to continue with what I have in my life right now. I'd also like to state that I don't live with my parents, but my fiance Jason and I live with his. Even though, we do live with his parents we still pay for our things like any normal couple on their own does. It's just we don't have the amount of money needed to live on our own. So, we pay a little a week to live with his parents until we can afford our own place. It's not hard, living with them. Yes, at times there will be tension between us all in the house especially when they don't think I'm looking for work and we (Jason and I) tell them I am, but no matter how many times I apply (we tell them) to places I get turned down.

So, I'm writing here and been writing for a while surprisingly and I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing with my life. Not, the stuff where I'm living in my future in-laws house, but the stuff about my future. I'm not joking with you here. You don't know how many times I walk down the streets or in stores and see babies every where and wonder if that will ever be Jason and myself. I'm always wondering What if?

What if I still had my old or first job?
What if Jason and I never started dating?

If I still had my old job Jason and I probably would have moved out a long time ago and would be most likely living in our own apartment. We may not have children yet, but who knows it would probably be happening next year which it's not. I know I continuously say this to you Jason, but if we were financially able to I would want kids. In my life and the way we live we aren't ready to be parents due to money, but in my heart I know that when the time comes it will come and it WILL BE THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF OUR LIVES. TRUST ME on that. Love you baby.

Before I go on to the next thing on my list of things to talk about let me shoot back a little. And that I'm always thinking, always wondering what will be next for me? I try so hard in life to not look back at my mistakes and to keep moving on, but when everything else in life goes South and there's no where else to look where do you go, where do you look to next.

Since, I have no friends anymore. I have really begun to look at my life more and appreciate everything I have now. I have a wonderful family, loving fiance and future family (my in-laws) who all support me at what I do, even though sometimes they think I don't do much. Sometimes, I think now that I have no friends, that now I'm better off this way. Seriously, thinking even though I don't like to think of things this way. There is no one holding me back from letting me live my life.

If Jason and I never started dating we probably would still hate each other. We wouldn't be planning on getting married or planning to have kids in the future. And finally, I would still be miserable with everything else going on in my life. So, in true respect as some of my family would say that he was the worst thing to happen to me, well I reverse that and say that he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It's not his fault my friendships didn't work out. Even though, most of my friends say that he is the main reason, because him and I spend so much time together that I have no time for my friends. Let me straighten everything out for you who are reading my blogs. At the time when Jason and I started dating I was working part - time from like 3 - 6 pm at the elementary school in my town for an after school program when I left for home, I had dinner with my parents; then was given the ability to go out for a couple hours, so I didn't disturb my parents in bed. I had at the time; little time to spend with everyone and even though my friends kept asking for more time to spend with me. I said, "I was busy."And spent the needed time with Jason. Yes, I know I could have given us a little break from time to time and hung out with my friends, but it was a new relationship, and a new guy. And to be perfectly honest with all who read this I had never been treated so nicely like that before. And it was definitely something I didn't want to lose.

It was only two days after Jason and I started dating that my friends kept begging me to hanging out, but with the new relationship just starting I blew her off. I needed and wanted to spend more and more time with Jason, still to this very day Jason doesn't regret hanging with me all that time. And I know that even though my friend and I already had plenty of issues and I didn't help the matter, but she was already at the point where she didn't want us to be friends anyways. Seriously, though I wish I had really known what I was doing before spending so much time with Jason. I'm sincerely sorry to my friend that I have hurt, and I wish I could take it all back and get a second chance, but like I said before most of the times there are no second chances.

There were certain things that had happened before Jason and I started dating that I really would appreciate her hearing what she had said to me.

A month before Jason and I started dating I went on vacation with my family to Florida, while in Florida I was asked to baby sit my niece and nephew while everyone went out for the night. Well, just like any babysitter, when the kids are asleep I called my friends to see how things were going with them. During the conversation with one of my friends, she says to me, "You know should have given me your friend Ray's number before you left." In my defense, I only have this to say, " the trip for me was last minute, very last minute." Then, a month later when Jason and I started you know what said to me, "Well, if your gonna spend all your time with Jason, then I'm gonna spend all my time with Ray." And here I am thinking, "okay, go right ahead." "Like I cared that she was going to spend time with a friend. Really, I'm going to spend time with Jason my new boyfriend, so I don't care what you do with your time."  

Even though, I may have mistreated my friendships from time to time that still doesn't change anything.

I love the life I live now and don't care what my ex-friend does with her life. All I hope is that she has good luck in what every she plans to do. And really, I also don't need any of my other friends who hang out with her telling me what they have been doing, because I'll walk away from them. I don't care what she does; people. She is no longer my friend and I really don't need to know what goes on in her life. All that I wish is that she has good luck in the future with her life. And I know that she wishes the same for me. We two separate people, have split and don't plan on knowing what each other does in their life. So, Good luck and Best Wishes in the future! Sorry, things didn't work out for the best for us, but in a way they did.

So, to end this message I wish, If I Only Knew!
 
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Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!